Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 4 - Secret


Geoff: You look lovely this evening.
Laverne: Why, thank you.

Lorraine: Been having fun, Laverne? Been having fun without me?
Laverne: Oh, it’s not like that; I’ve just got a boyfriend is all.

Geoff: I honestly believe that religion is evil, and that those who preach the word of God, and claim to be saving us, do in fact seek to control us. I implore all free-thinking citizens to turn away from religion and escape the apron strings of overzealous vicars who would seek to threaten the very fabric of our forward-thinking society.

Lorraine: Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day…

Lorraine: Geoff’s got a terrible secret, and I’m gonna give it away.

Laverne: Morning, Lorraine.
Lorraine: It is a good morning, Laverne.

Laverne: Okay, what the hell is going on?
Lorraine: Oh, Laverne. I’m so happy this morning; I could just give money to an orphaned child.
Laverne: What? That time in church we watched a film about orphaned children, you laughed all the way through it.

Lorraine: Good fundraiser, though; I bought one of those ride-on lawnmowers.
Laverne: Which you only ever used to chase off those carol singers.

Laverne: Anyway, I can stay here and talk about what a terrible person you are all day, but I’m meeting Geoff in half an hour. I’ll see you later.

Lorraine: I’m not a terrible person!

Lorraine: Hello; can I enquire as to how much skywriting costs? Okay. Can you make it read ‘Laverne, your boyfriend hates religion’? You can? Brilliant.


Lorraine: You’re about to fly over now? Okay, perfect. Laverne!

Laverne: What?
Lorraine: It’s a beautiful day. Won’t you come outside?
Laverne: It’s cold and windy. I’d rather stay in here and tell you how my date went!
Lorraine: You know what’d be romantic? If you told me this outside.
Laverne: I just feel like I have such a connection with Geoff.
Lorraine: Yeah, do me a favour? Just stick your head out of the window, while you tell me this.
Laverne: He’s so warm and caring…
Lorraine: Look how the sun sets so majestically!
Laverne: It’s the middle of the afternoon.
Lorraine: Just look out the damn window!

Laverne: Right, what am I looking at?
Lorraine: Just up there.
Laverne: There’s nothing there.

[Phone rings]
Lorraine: Go for Lorraine. What? What do you mean you’ve already gone over? Well, can you come back? What? Well, how much more? Twice as much?! Oh, screw you.

Lorraine: Wrong number.

Laverne: And then she just ran away. I tell you, she’s been behaving strangely all day. She was so happy this morning, she adopted an abandoned Doberman.
Laverne: Then she got bored with it, so she set it on some kids.

Lorraine: Okay, you may be wondering why I’ve gathered you all here tonight.

Man: Particularly, I think, why a strange woman, whom none of us knows, has gathered an entire apartment block in the hallway at nine o’clock at night.
Lorraine: Well, it’s a reasonable question. It is.

Man: So, what do you want?
Lorraine: Okay, my best friend and roommate is sat in the window booth of the restaurant opposite this building. I want all of you to arrange your apartment lights in such a way as, from her perspective, it will read ‘Laverne, your boyfriend hates religion’.
Man: One of the stranger requests we’ve had, I’ll be honest.

Lorraine: Can you do it?
Man: Let us just confer.

Man: Alright, we’ll do it. You’ll get your message.
Lorraine: Brilliant.
Man: In fact, why don’t you go outside so you can see it when it comes up?
Lorraine: That’s a great idea.

Lorraine: Well, that’s unequivocal.

Lorraine: Seamless co-ordination, though.

Presenter: And in other news, police were called to an apartment block last night to address complaints that a woman was harassing residents. Though the police have little information to go on, they have put together this sketch of the suspect.

Laverne: She looks quite a lot like you.
Lorraine: It’s a co-incidence, don’t be such a Nazi.


Lorraine: Hello, Excellent Anson Hot Beverage Maker. I think I might make a coffee with you today.

Lorraine: Ha, only joking. You’re far too pretty.

Laverne: So, am I seeing you tonight? Anything but eat with Lorraine. I know she’s my best friend, but lately her dinner talk has got really awkward.

Lorraine: So, how are your orgasms?

Laverne: Fine.

Laverne: Yours?

Lorraine: Terrible.

Lorraine: How’s your pubic hair coming along?
Laverne: I’m drawing the line here, Lorraine.
Lorraine: You can borrow some of my clippers if you want.

Laverne: I already do.

Laverne: I can come round? Aw, thank you! 

Laverne: Lorraine, I’m going out tonight.
Lorraine: Oh, thank God. No offense, but your dinner talk has got really weird lately.

[Horn honks outside] 
Laverne: Right, I’ve got to go. See you later, Lorraine.
Lorraine: Won’t you come into the kitchen?
Laverne: I haven’t got time – Geoff’s waiting outside.
Lorraine: Can’t you take a moment to nip into the kitchen before you go.
Laverne: I really can’t, Lorraine. Sorry. See you later!

Lorraine: Alright, you guys can go.

Lorraine: Hello, is this the Channel 3 News?
Lorraine: Good. What if I were to tell you that a prominent anti-religious politician was engaged in a torrid relationship with… a vicar?

Lorraine: Right, any minute now! Come on, God… come on, God… come on, God…

Presenter: Good evening and welcome to the Channel 3 News. Our top story tonight, there’s a scandal looming after an anonymous caller provided evidence that a high profile politician-

Laverne: What happened?
Geoff: Must be a power cut.

Lorraine: THERE IS NO GOD!!!!


Laverne: Lorraine?

Everyone: SURPRISE!
Lorraine: Your boyfriend hates religion!

Laverne: I know; he told me earlier.
Lorraine: Oh, cun-!

Lorraine: So, he told you, huh?
Laverne: Yeah. He said he felt too guilty about it.
Lorraine: Well, there’s other fish in the sea.
Laverne: You don’t care. That’s what you’ve been doing these last few days, isn’t it? You’ve been trying to tell me in the most extravagant way possible. You think me getting my heart broken is all just one big joke.

Lorraine: You’re right. I crossed the line. You’re my best friend and I was so jealous that you’d landed yourself such a handsome boyfriend that I wanted to ruin it. I’ve been a bad friend, Laverne, and I’m sorry.
Laverne: Thank you.

Lorraine: Who needs men, eh? We’ve got each other, you and me!
Laverne: Yeah, I suppose we have.

Lorraine: Wanna lez?
Laverne: No!
Lorraine: No, of course. Sorry. Let’s just hug, then.

Lorraine: Nah, I still like men.

Lorraine: Morning, Laverne!