Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 2 - Jesus

Lorraine: Why don’t you believe me?
Laverne: How could I possibly believe you?
Lorraine: Because it’s true!

Laverne: Lorraine, your great, great, great, great grandmother is not Mary Magdalene.
Lorraine: Is too.

Jesus: Take this bread, eat it; it is my body. Take the wine, drink it; it is my blood. Do this to remember me.

Mary Magdalene: Wait, wait, is this literally bits of your blood and body?
Jesus: Well, no, it’s metaphorical.
Mary Magdalene: Oh, right. Bit of a weird thing to say at a dinner party, don’t you think?
Jesus: Well… the sentiment is…
Mary Magdalene: I mean, I don’t invite you round my house and say: here, have a muffin, it’s my vagina.

Jesus: Well, no, but-
Mary Magdalene: I don’t even want to eat it now.
Jesus: But, it’s the sentiment of it!
Mary Magdalene: No, I don’t want it. I was quite enjoying the wine before you went and said it was your blood. No, I’ll wait for dessert now, unless you’re gonna serve up a spotted dick and tell me it’s literally your-
Jesus: Mary!

Jesus: No! There isn’t any dessert, anyway!
Mary Magdalene: Oh, then I am leaving. This is the worst dinner party since my mother’s big one-oh.

Laverne: Bullshit.

Lorraine: Doubt all you want, but – wait, Laverne, look over there!
Laverne: Where?
Lorraine: The guy that just walked in.
Laverne: What?
Lorraine: It’s Jesus.

Laverne: Isn’t he the guy who serves at McDonald’s?

Lorraine: Well, no - he’s clearly dispensing advice; using the place as a … a forum for his teachings.
Laverne: We bought a couple of cheeseburgers off him.

Lorraine: No, it’s Jesus. I’m telling you!
Laverne: Look, if you’re so determined, then why don’t you go over and talk to him? He did know your ‘grandmother’, after all.
Lorraine: Talk to Jesus?
Laverne: Of course; you pray to him all the time.
Lorraine: Yeah, but that’s just a bunch of nonsense; this is real life.

Laverne: Lorraine!
Lorraine: Oh, what?
Laverne: You’re supposed to feel the divine hand touch you!

Lorraine: Hey, if I want touching, all I need is a picture of Lionel Richie and half an hour in a bathroom.

Laverne: Lorraine, for heaven’s sake!
Lorraine: You’re right; I shouldn’t talk that way before Jesus.
Laverne: He’s not Jesus!
Lorraine: It says Jesus on his name badge!
Laverne: The guy at the video store is called Jesus; you don’t think anything of that!
Lorraine: Yeah, but he’s Mexican; they’re all called Jesus.

Laverne: No, they’re not!
Lorraine: Yes, they are. Pedro and Jesus; those are the only two Mexican names.
Laverne: That’s a stereotype!
Lorraine: Stereotypes come from truth.
Laverne: So, you honestly believe that the only two names people ever call their children in Mexico are Pedro and Jesus?
Lorraine: Yes. I also know that gay people are fabulous with great fashion sense, and feminists are crazy, man-hating bitches.

Laverne: Oh, for the love of God!
Lorraine: Don’t you besmirch God in my presence!
Laverne: Oh, please! In church last Sunday, you confused God with Dumbledore!
Lorraine: Ridiculous!
Laverne: Alright, then, which one is the Hogwarts headmaster and which one do we worship?
Lorraine: I refuse to answer the question on principle!
Laverne: You don’t know!

Laverne: You know what? I’m done. If you want to believe that Jesus has returned and he’s serving burgers at McDonald’s, then so be it.

Laverne: Jesus!

Mexicans: What?

Lorraine: Mm, you like that, do you?
Laverne: Lorraine, you home?

Laverne: Lorraine?

Lorraine: Hey, Laverne!

Laverne: Lorraine, why are you having sex with Jesus?

Lorraine: I’m simply sharing in the love Jesus has to give. Besides, where have you been?
Laverne: I went down to rent a movie off Jesus at the video store. He wasn’t there; his brother Pedro said he was ill.

Lorraine: I’ve been learning so much from Jesus. He has such a calm, laid-back approach to life.
Laverne: Yeah, he probably smokes pot.
Lorraine: Do you smoke pot?
Jesus: Yeah, totally, dude.

Lorraine: Then we must all smoke pot.

Laverne: Oh, God. This is even more ridiculous than when you tried to find the Holy Grail.

Lorraine: Well, not in there.

Lorraine: And one of these days I’ll find it! I haven’t looked in the kitchen and the toilet yet.
Laverne: Oh, for the love of God!

Laverne: Lorraine, there’s not a chance I’m going to let you tell our congregation that some pot-smoking McDonald’s employee is our lord Jesus risen again.

Lorraine: Let the church say amen!
Congregation: Amen!
Lorraine: Now, Vicar Laverne can’t be with us today; she’s otherwise engaged.

Laverne: Let me out of here!

Lorraine: But I have wonderful news for you all. Jesus, our lord and saviour, is back!
[Congregation gasps]
Lorraine: Indeed. Come out here, Jesus!

Mexican man: Qué?
Lorraine: No, other Jesus.

Jesus: Yo, what’s up dudes? Who’s ready to smoke some pot?

Laverne: You know, mum, I really think she’s gone too far this time. 

Laverne: She’s actually got the people at our church smoking pot because they think Jesus wants them to!

Lorraine: Not in here.

Laverne: Hang on, mum, I’ll call you back.

Laverne: Are you pleased with yourself? You’ve turned a parish of good people into pot junkies!
Lorraine: It’s what Jesus wants, Laverne.
Laverne: Oh, shut up! I’ve had just about enough of this. He’s not Jesus! He’s just some idiot layabout who works in McDonalds! Frankly, I’m worried for your sanity if you think he’s actually Jesus!
Lorraine: Don’t you speak ill of my lord like that!

Laverne: He’s not the lord, you stupid idiot!

Lorraine: Bitch!

Laverne: Harridan!

Lorraine: Harlot!

Laverne: Slut!

Lorraine: Whore!

Man: Who’s that?
Woman: It’s just the vicars next door.

Woman: Again.


Lorraine: He’s a complicated man, but no-one understands him but his woman. John Shaft!

Jesus: What’re you watching?
Lorraine: Shaft.
Jesus: Oh, right. I hate that film.

(Door slams)

Laverne: That’s what tipped you off?!

Lorraine: The real Jesus wouldn’t speak ill of Shaft.
Laverne: He might; it’s not that good a movie.

Laverne: Oh, for God’s sake.

Jesus: Good evening. I trust that you enjoyed this episode. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Jesus Garcia and this is my colleague, Pedro Martinez.
Pedro: Good evening.
Jesus: We are deeply concerned about some of the negative racial stereotypes displayed in this episode, which simply aren’t true. As a result, we have rated the episode five cactuses out of five.

Pedro: That’s right, Jesus. A panel of four of us viewed the episode – myself, Pedro, my brother Jesus, and Jesus and his brother Pedro.
Jesus: It upsets us that such negative stereotypes manage to find their way into entertainment in this day and age. My father Pedro would turn in his grave, as would Pedro’s father Jesus. They didn’t die falling off their donkeys to pick up their sombreros so that Mexicans would have to endure this kind of stereotyping.